Last year I wrote an article on ‘Who Will You Marry?’ This article was Re to a conversation I had with my girlfriend on what my next plan was after getting my first degree. I told her I was contemplating between getting a masters and getting married. And the first response she gave me was ‘Who are you going to marry?’ It was funny at first but it kept lingering in my mind afterwards. So I decided to write about it. She read parts of the article and she made some statements which seemed to me she was not happy with. Honestly, I was just sharing my wild thoughts as someone who loves, somewhat, to read and write.
My girlfriend and I have been friends for more than 11 years, and in the past two years and more we have been in a romantic relationship. She is a pretty good person. I like her and I don’t mind going through the ups and downs of life with her. However, I was not feeling the relationship as I believed it should be; for a couple who have known each other for more than a decade.
I find it weird how difficult it is to go out with my girl whom I have known for more than 11 years. Like, we have never gone out to the movies, restaurants to eat, to the beach or even sightseeing, or had a ‘OUR DAY OUT’ before. The Worst of it is that we have never had a common walk before, not anywhere. That thing was really beating my mind and it made me question our commitment to the relationship and as to whether this is really a true relationship.
Secondly, my girl and I never really had a deep conversation about what we were into. If we were happy, that’s cool. If we had issues, we couldn’t sit down and talk it out to the core. She liked to avoid challenges and issues, which I thought was dangerous to us – I mean to any relationship. Oftentimes when I brought up an issue or when we had a misunderstanding, she would say ‘Oh Selasi you know I don’t like how serious you are about this. Why can’t you let it go?’ And ‘Why can’t you see this as a joke and let it go. Other times she would say ‘Talking about this hurts me so let’s ignore it’. Often, she would say ‘It is past so let’s forget about it’. This was not sitting well for someone like me who values communication and getting issues resolved – I believe unresolved issues always come back to hurt you.
Next, my lady loves friends and I knew this before accepting to enter a romantic relationship with her but I didn’t know it was that serious. It is so serious to the extent that I can’t explain it here to make sense. But I would try to give you one statement which summarises everything. One time she said to me ‘Selasi you are worrying me and it has affected my relationship with my friends. Last time they were telling me I have changed ever since I got into a relationship and I didn’t notice it until they said it”. So this seemed to me, we lost our ‘friendship’ after we entered a romantic relationship and that she is not going to sacrifice her relationship with others for the good of ours. That is if she sees any good in our relationship.
So, I was looking for a way to turn things around and make us talk things out. For a very long time I knew we had started a romantic relationship where we took so many things for granted. So I had to invent a restart button to have the relationship set on a good footing into the future. Therefore, I was looking for a way to turn things around and make us reconnect on a DEEPER level.
I must say that my girl, maybe, didn’t know I was a troublesome guy. I have come to learn that I am not the normal kind of a boyfriend. I may do things to see the usual sides of the people I commit myself to – mostly deliberate.
Where did the issues start from, it started from when I first decided to spy on her. So I got access to her phone and I saw crazy stuff. I know we all act silly sometimes but what I saw really broke me down. I went through depressing moments, I swear. That period really made me understand what suicidal thoughts or tendencies are.
I know some people will make the argument that I didn’t have the right to enter her private life. But I had to, because I was seeing certain things which did sit well with me. But like I said earlier, I am willing to go through hell and heaven with her like Will does for Jada. And, if anyone is going to commit the rest of their lives to another person, there is no limit to how much access the person must have to the other and the things they are into. I guess I was wrong with that mentality.
One time, she asked a question which got me thinking hard, she asked: ‘Why do you behave like you have never done wrong before?’ This question meant I was being too upright and maybe overbearing on her.
So, I thought to myself, I needed to find a way to turn the tables around and see what reaction I would get. And you know what happens when the tables turn; when Gods become Dogs, and Dogs become Gods. It was a risky thing I did, knowing what I have seen by spying on her. For I knew it could only go one of two ways, either for the better or for the worse.
I started planting some seeds of doubt by telling her I don’t think she is the right woman for me and how certain things will affect us in marriage. Sister, what I was doing was very risky. For someone I had always wanted, this approach I knew would be dangerous. But the troublesome and childish streak in me couldn’t find any better way than this to go about things. I needed something which would put me at her mercy; where I stand accused. The approach wasn’t really working as I was getting not the desired response.
One night after a short call, we didn’t speak again for close to 3 weeks. Nobody knows what entered us. And after the three weeks I decided to take advantage of that crisis to push things to the extreme; another ‘mumu’ (childish) move. The child in me, sigh! For close to three months of total confusion and misbehavior, I was looking out for an opening that would put me in a bad light, a terrible one. And I got it.
One time she went to see my Uncle and they discussed me and so many things. I got a hint of it and I blew it up! Like why would she bypass me to my Uncle over our issues. Even though I personally don’t like third parties, I deliberately blew the whole thing out of proportion.
After a while I started seeing the reaction I was looking for. She stopped calling and texting me and started showing signs of not wanting the relationship again. This is where I needed to go and apologise and to make things up. Now, I am at her mercy! Now I am going to experience her real self.
And she didn’t disappoint, my people. The vindictiveness in her tone. She became cynical and unapologetic – I like the unapologetic part somewhat. It turned out seriously that I saw more than what I had asked for. The last nail to the coffin was during one of our conversations where she said to me: ‘Selasi we are just dating, and you are taking things too serious’. I don’t mind if she became angry or mad at me and all, yes; I knew what I did. But this was the first time she seemed not interested in the relationship, and in my spiritI knew it was over. Laugh Out Loud – not funny though.
Our 11 years of knowing each other could not survive 3 months of confusion and misunderstanding. Maybe it is not what it is. That episode got me to understand that ‘When problems can not bring people together, no amount of pleasure can keep them forever’. I just had my ‘experience is the best teacher’ experience, yes.
At that point, I knew my litmus test did not turn out well. I have wanted her all my life and this is where we are, partly, for my own troublesome nature. I asked her to let us sit down and talk things out as to how we want to get the relationship on track again, she swore that she will not allow that and we will not sit down to talk about anything! To show how serious I was about this, I proposed to her seeing a Counselor, and she vehemently refused! I was doing everything possible to get us to work things out and she just wasn’t willing.
You know, I was more concerned why she didn’t want us to visit a Counselor. She made me understand that what we went through was nothing serious to see a Counselor and that we could work it out. I was not convinced, I pushed again and she didn’t like the idea. I pushed again and she said that seeing a Counselor when we are only dating is not something she would encourage. For her, if the counseling was in preparation for marriage, then that is cool.
So I am asking myself: she isn’t interested in working things out while we are at the dating/courtship stage but only when marriage is at stake? This obviously is not good for a couple like us. I believe the best of every relationship should be worked out at the stage it happens. Putting it before a ceremony (wedding) could be too late.
Anyway, we are talking now again and not like before. But I know we are sitting on a time bomb. We didn’t get back by talking out this deeply and seeking professional advice. Already, we have had instances of exhibiting the tension we refused to seek advice for and talk out as adults. Things seem ‘okay’ right now but it is not just GOOD. Her posture and gestures towards issues suggests to me there is this tension she is suppressing. I mean there are times when she speaks on top of her voice over simple conversations.
I love her; like I have always loved her for the similar story we share from our separate upbringing. But this is where we are now and neither one of us is willing to say ‘goodbye’, so we are fighting inwardly. I know if she had the chance to give you her side of the relationship, I wouldn’t be a Saint. I mean, why should I be a Saint when I am Selasi?
If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would do it. But for now, I am listening to Whitney Houston’s ‘Where Do BrokenHearts Go’.
Anyway, I finally succeeded in persuading her to go out with me. We spoke about a lot and one highlight I picked from the conversation we had that day:
1- ‘I have my private life and you have no right in it’, and one of it is touching her phone. That’s fine.
So, I look back to the book of Genesis where the Bible says: ‘A man shall leave his father and mother to become one with his wife’. Here I am with my girl telling me she has her private life. Okay, Maybe, I don’t think any man wants to leave his mother and father and become one with someone who is interested in her ‘Private’ life. Hedonism is one lethal element to a happy/healthy relationship. And that should not be encouraged at all.
Essentially, what she is saying is that my ‘concerns’ are not her concerns. And that if there is something she does which I am not comfortable with, she is not ready to change for me. At this point, she wants to enjoy her private life while she is in a relationship. Fair enough, we can make the argument that because we are not married she must enjoy that freedom. Probably I don’t deserve that kind of consideration. Wait, could it be because I don’t pay for her hair and nails? Or because I don’t order her lunch sometimes? ‘Urm’, anyway.
Okay, okay, okay; I will leave it here, bye for now even though there is more to it. Let us hope I can write something again soon. This is a series and a journey for me and wherever it leads, may the Spirit of my Ancestors guide me and watch over me. That way I can read this piece again in some years to come and smile that it was worth it. Shalom
S a m K c a t 